This page is about being more aware of yourself and how you approach your relationship. It is about fine tuning your skills, which I can help you develop and understand more fully when working with you.

Emotional Baggage

It is good to firstly recognise that you will have some emotional baggage that you bring to your relationship. After all you have had many previous relationships with parents, friends and possibly romantic partners. You may have even experienced some trauma in your life too! All these past experiences leave you with sensitive spots (bruises) that get triggered by your intimate partner. These bruises can cloud your judgement and make you behave in ways that may not be rational. This can contribute to you making poor choices or even behaving badly without realising it. Being able to step back and recognise that your behaviour is not helping takes courage and can make all the difference to your relationship.

Compassion Is The Key

One key factor in improving your relationship is to become more compassionate in your interactions with your partner. You can develop compassion by understanding the other person's reasons for doing what they do and this will help frustrations diminish as you will stop being judgemental. It is also helpful if you can become more compassionate and forgiving of yourself too! If you can recognise that most of us are struggling to do our best with what we know at the time, you can feel more compassion.

Some Helpful Skills You Can Develop:

• Be aware that expectations, demands and judgements are communication and compassion blockers that only serve to erode love in relationships. We do all these things without realising it!
   

• If you want a deeply emotionally connected state, then you need to be able to communicate your feelings openly.
   

• Be aware of your own behaviour and learn, practise and apply the art of conscious and compassionate communication and watch how much love, passion and power you will begin to create in all your relationships.

   

• Start to communicate compassionately simply by shifting your focus from only ‘hearing’ what your partner is saying to also ‘feeling’ what they are saying. This way you have your heart present in conversation, not just your mind. This will almost guarantee that your relationship will not just survive, but thrive!
   

• Make a conscious effort to remove anger, denial, defensiveness or avoidance when facing a challenging situation and responding to your partner. These sorts of responses are usually tied up with your ego and will most likely distance you from your partner.
   

• Be aware that when you criticise your partner you shut them down, and they are less likely to open up to you in a meaningful way that will keep you feeling connected.  What we need in our relationship is to feel the space between us is loving, safe and non-threatening.
   

• When you are interacting and communicating with your partner, try to be aware of whether you are genuinely willing to listen (turning towards), not interested in listening (turning away from), or building your own defenses (going against) your partner.  
   

• To have an open, honest and close relationship with your partner, you need to be prepared to reveal parts of yourself (without being asked) that may feel difficult for you to open up about.
   

• Be aware that when you are upset and focus critically on the other person (‘you are always out with your mates’), you are missing the opportunity to express what you really want (‘I want us to spend more time together’).
   

• When communicating with your partner, remain focused and make sure you are expressing your deepest concerns. Don’t introduce irrelevant issues that become a distraction.
   

• Start paying attention to your body, become attuned to its signals, find out what your needs and desires are, and become aware of your emotions, reactions and your triggers. (Remember those bruises mentioned above).
   

• Identify your values (I want to be a caring friend, lover, partner) and see if you are living according to those values. Remember that your relationship is a living entity that is created by the energy you put into it from one moment to the next. Even just a small positive change in your attitude towards your partner can create a shift in that energy and open up opportunities for growth and improvement so that you can feel connected and closer to your partner.